WARNING: The following blog post contains WAY more photos of me, Ms. Sarah M. Anderson, than your recommended daily allowance. View at your risk.

Yes, friends, it’s time for that annual* tradition, the Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest! Welcome to the first round of judging. I’m your host, Burt Hasselhoff. We have a lot of lovely Sarah M. Andersons with us today. The judges** have their work cut out for them! Let’s give all the Sarahs a round of applause!

**(that would be you, loyal reader(s))

(cue applause)

Well, let’s get started! First up, we have Thoughtful, yet Serious Sarah:

She’s thoughtful, but serious! Next up, we have Great Cleavage Sarah:

I think I speak for a lot of our viewers when I saw, Wow, what great cleavage! Next, we have Gentle Breeze Sarah.

Isn’t it amazing what a little wind can do for a gal? Now please give a warm welcome to Seriously Demure Sarah!

Yes, much more demure than thoughtful! For a change of pace, how about Good-Time Girl Sarah?

Yes, Good Time Girl Sarah looks like she know how to have some fun! Now let’s welcome Sunny Day Sarah.

She’s going to miss that sun this winter, folks! Now give a big hand to Serious Cowgirl Sarah.

She’s serious about being a cowgirl, don’t you think? So is Tree Girl Sarah.

Tree Girl Sarah is an early crowd favorite, but so is Sitting Pretty Sarah!

What a sweetheart. Now take a gander at Bug Bite Sarah.

Yes, you’d never know it to look at this Sarah, but she was being attacked by ants not happy about sharing the tree with her. Now welcome Sweet Sarah to the stage.

She’s an early contender for Ms. Congeniality.

Ladies and Gentlemen, another round of applause for all of our lovely Sarah M. Andersons!  Judges**, please keep the rules in mind:
1. Keep it positive. Negative comments will be deleted.
2. All Sarahs can be made color, black and white, sepia, or washed tones. Do not let any Sarah’s current coloring affect your opinions.
3. Remember, this is for an Official Author Picture, which you, loyal reader(s), will have to look up in the corner of this blog, on Facebook, on the Sarah M. Anderson website, and, good Lord willing, on book covers (hopefully sometime soon). Keep these mediums in mind when choosing.
4. Judges may choose up to their top three contenders to return for Round Two next week.

So tune in next week to see which Sarah made the cut, and which Sarah was just cut! I’m Burt Hasselhoff, signing off for the Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest. Until next week, judges! *waves to audience*

(cue applause)

*not really

There are authors in this world who understand the publishing business. They follow Publishers Weekly, know which editors have been promoted, which have moved to a different house, and which have left to become agents. These are the people who have ‘dream’ agents and editors because they carefully research each, looking for the best fit. They know the market, where their books fit in the market, and, in general, what’s going on.

I’m not one of these people. At first it was just sheer ignorance–I didn’t know what I was doing, and approached procuring an agent in the same way I would pepper the side of a barn with buckshot after a long night drinking (not that I would do that). I had good reasons for doing this–in addition to being clueless, I was mothering a two year old boy, starting a new job, and learning how to write books. I did not have time to internalize the world of publishing.

But I’m farther along that curve now. I’ve reached the point where I should know which editors are a good fit for me (luckily, I’m all good in the agent department!). So what’s my excuse?

I’ve chosen to engage in a profession that is undergoing massive, fundamental changes. The authorial path I want–a major publisher putting out paperback books on a regular schedule that are available in bookstores–is disappearing faster than the rain forest in Brazil. This sysmic changing upsets my stomach and grates my nerves until I’ve worked myself into a first-class tizzy and my husband (God love the man) no longer wants to put up with me.

Case in point: In August–less than 24 days–of this year alone, things have gone haywire. On August 3rd, Barnes and Noble put itself up for sale after bleeding too much red ink. Okay, that officially gave me indigestion.

But then it got worse, as horror author Brian Keene summed up in his blog. Three days after B&N put themselves up for sale, Dorchester went ‘all e-book.’ However, it appears that, in fact, the publisher is in a death spiral. They let go of all but one person on their editorial staff.

I think I had a book under consideration at Dorchester once. This took the indigestion B&N started and led to a series of vivid, disturbing nightmares, some of which included me living in a box under a bridge and writing stories in the dirt.

Yes, I should know more about the publishing industry. But I’m raising a five year old now (Good heavens, where has the time gone? And when will I break through?), in addition to working three other paying part-time jobs, and taking care of the house and the marriage and the extended family and all that stuff we call ‘life.’ I do not have the time, energy, or inclination to spend sleepless nights worrying about the publishing world and what my place in it will be.

So I choose to remain clueless. And the only things that keep me up at night are chatty characters and obstinate kindergarteners. It’s better this way.

Trust me.

Exciting times here at the Authorial Mom blog!

No, not so exciting that six-figure contracts are being slipped under my front door by editors so enthralled by the thoughts of hunky shirtless cowboys and Indians on horseback that they are battling it out on the lawn. That wouldn’t be merely exciting. That would be so far beyond exciting as to be a coronary event waiting to happen.

Still, I’m excited! I’ve officially joined Romance Novel News as a reviewer!

What is Romance Novel News? From their website:

Note: This isn’t going to be one of those posts where the clueless white woman gets all indignant on behalf of the Indians. Such politically correct rants are condescending, patronizing, and irritating to the ninth degree.

Instead, this is post is just my observations on a recent compare and contrast moment, okay? So please, keep all indignant condescension to a bare minimum. I have enough irritation in my life right now, thanks to the swarms of mosquitoes circling the house.

So, if you read last week’s blog, you know that I went and saw Brule’, the Native American show down in Branson. If you’ve read this Thursday’s blog (which, admittedly, might require time travel), you’d know that the next night, the family and I went to one of the most popular shows in Branson, Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede.

To recap, Brule’ is a show that’s half rock opera, half Lakota powwow. It is produced by Lakota Indians. It stars Lakota Indians. You can buy things handmade by Lakota Indians in the gift store. It’s the real deal (although slightly Bransonized, but still).

Dixie Stampede, on the other hand, is a so-sanitized-it-squeaks edutainment version of select events in America’s past, usually centered around the 1860s. We sat on the North side (not the north side of the building, but the side representing the Union–the capital ‘N’ North) and booed the tourists sitting on the South side (in between bites of chicken, of course).

At one point in the proceedings, after the pork loin but before the hot wipe, and after the performers (dressed as extremely attractive settlers) had a rousingly well-coordinated hoedown but before the bright, happy saloon ‘girls’ did a tasteful dance number, the Dixie Stampede had an ‘Indian’ dance number.

A dancer in a craggly face mask and a blacklight-friendly costume came out and released a bird as he danced around. The bird flew up to the ceiling, and then a female dancer dressed as a Thunderbird with blacklight stripes dropped from a wire from the ceiling. A third guy dressed in day-glo fringe rode around on a horse, pulled the Thunderbird dancer around and sending her flying through the air on her wire, all while the first dancer was getting down to a song that sounded a lot like something Tim McGraw would play in a stadium.

Now, aside from the artistry of combining a (figurative) bird on a wire with a guy riding a galloping horse–it was cool–the contrast between the ‘real’ Indians we had seen the night before with this ‘fake’ Indian dance number was stunning.

And again, let’s not get indignant here, shall we? I’m fully aware that every danged thing in the Dixie Stampede has been sanitized for my protection. The North and South didn’t do battle over pig races; saloons were never so friendly, and settlers have never been so clean and shiny. The only real thing about the whole production were the horses.

And I also want to be clear that I enjoyed the Dixie Stampede. It was fun, in that weird dinner-theater kind of way. The trick riders were amazing–a guy jumped through a flaming hoop while standing on the backs of two horses! Awesome!

But even my husband, who, prior to the Brule’ show, had never seen traditional dances or really even seen an American Indian in person, was surprised at the difference between the real and the fake. I wasn’t going to say anything, but he pointed the difference out to me (along the lines of “Funny that last night we saw real Indians and tonight . . .”).

It was like going diamond shopping at Tiffany’s and then spending an hour browsing the ‘gems’ at a Claire’s Boutique in the mall. After you’ve seen the good stuff, the imitation just doesn’t cut it. So, in the future, demand the good stuff. It’s worth it.

Only the parents of small children have a shot in heck of guessing where the title of today’s blog comes from.*

Nevertheless, I have a couple of bad guys in the WIP, and these slime balls need names. HELP!

I have names, of course. Bad guy names usually come from people I’ve known and, frankly, didn’t care for all that much. Sometimes, it’s just a name that conjures up awfulness for me. This isn’t to say that there aren’t nice people with bad-guy names, but for me, these are not hero names.

Bad Guy Names:

1. Frank (Franklin is fine, Nanner!)
2. Burt
3. Red
4. Darryl (Just the first one. His other brother, Darryl, is just fine.)
5. Mort
6. Beau (I know, I know–Beau is a ‘typical’ romance hero name. I don’t care. I don’t like it.)
7. Cecil
8. Arnold
9. Lester
10. Victoria (whenever I think bad girl, Victoria is always the first name that pops into my mind. Vicky isn’t a huge improvement, but I have several nice neighbors named Vicky, so I’ll let it slide.)

But honestly, I don’t know that many bad guys. So I need your help. What names invoke irritation, awfulness, or panic for you?

*Disney’s The Three Musketeers – the narrating turtle sings “The Bad Guy Song” and we can’t get enough of it. Did you guess?

Do you know what Alphas are? They are heroes in romance novels. Alphas are your take-charge men, strong, sure, and confident in their decisions, style, and–above all else–capabilities in the bedroom. Alphas have manly jobs, like firefighter, police officer, lumberjack, CEO, and deer hunter. They don’t worry about their hair; they worry about saving the world, their company, or the woman they love from evil-doers (often at the same time). There’s no room for doubt in their world. They are red-blooded American men, although we will make exceptions for nobility from just about any country in the world. They are leaders. We can’t help but follow them because they’re just so damn manly.

Personally, I can’t stand them. Alphas–in real life–are all too often obnoxious, overbearing, unwilling to compromise know-it-all bosses of the world. They grate on my nerves and drive me bonkers–and never, ever, in the romance-novel kind of way.

This is sort of a problem, because I write romance novels, where Alphas rule and all others need not apply for hero status. I was recently informed that a hero of mine–who I considered to be quite the Alpha–was, in fact, emasculated to the point that he was anything but an Alpha. He didn’t sleep with enough women, start enough bar fights, and pursue the heroine with a single-minded focus. Instead, he was conflicted, unsure of himself (at least until the heroine restored all his confidence), and only punched one person.

Not only that, my heroine was actually the true Alpha in the book. She took no crap, didn’t let anyone get in her way, and rode bulls, for God’s sake. (In all honesty, that heroine has NOTHING on the current one in terms of being the top dog in the book.)

This did not work, I was told.

So now I find myself having to think a lot more about a male personality type that actually turns me off. I’m already reworking the WIP (you remember that means “Work in Progress,” right?) to make my hero more irritating–I mean hunky–and my heroine weaker–I mean more gentle.


Have you ever noticed the subheader on this blog? “…you are a tremendous writer. I have no idea how you’re going to pull it all together…” Yeah. There’s a reason it’s up there.


I may be a tremendous writer, but days like these remind me that I have no idea what I’m really doing and even less of an idea how I’m going to pull it all together. 


But I’m going to keep trying until I get it right.

Okay. I’m having a bad week. So I interrupt this home-demolition-and-remodel in progress with some therapy, Authorial Mom style.

Be honest. Does my nose need ‘work’?

This *is* my good side, Mommy.

Soulful. Deep. It’s . . . Magnum! (name that movie!)

Ack! Too close! TOO CLOSE!!

And not to be outdone:

Ohmmmmmmmm.

No, I haven’t had anything artificially lifted. Why do you ask?

Really. They do this all by themselves.

Now that’s just gratuitous.

There. I feel better. Tune in next week for our regularly scheduled programming.

That is all.

Today we gather together to mourn the character Kip Two Elks. Kip passed away (or, in everyday terminology, ‘was deleted’) on Thursday, May 20th at 11:20 a.m.

Kip’s passing was preceded by the lengthy wasting illness commonly known as the Editorial Process. In her prime, Kip was a unique woman, an albino Lakota woman capable of great bursts of psychic energy, which occasionally manifest itself as an electrical storm. Kip was widely loved and only a little feared.

The feared Editorial Process weakened Kip considerably. First she lost her ability to generate electrical storms; then she regained all of her pigmentation. Next, the level of her psychic energy began to dwindle.

As so often happens with this sort of wasting illness, once Kip lost her unique features, she lost her reason for being. She became boring and whiny, one of the classic signs that the end was near. After consulting several top-notch specialists on Editorial Process, Kip was deemed too weak to save as a character.

As a result of this terminal diagnosis, Kip was put on life support. Several last-ditch attempts to save her character were made, including name changes to protect the innocent. However, the Editorial Process proved to be too strong for Kip, and she succumbed on Thursday. As is the hallmark of this disease, all traces of Kip in mention of novels in progress died with her.

As per Kip’s last wish, no funeral will be held, and all condolences may be directed to Sarah M. Anderson, because I could sure use them.

I was going to expand on Step Two of my super-simple, nine-step plan for What You Need to Get Published, “A Thick Skin (to deal with the multitude of rejections letters you’re going to get),” but then Joelle Charbonneau went and did it better over at Do Some Damage in the blog Rejection: Motivator or Morale Breaker?

Ironically, I’m working on the second one of her list as well. Must be a thing about the number two. Is it a sign?

Either way, check out Rejection: Motivator or Morale Breaker? and keep your eye out for Joelle’s debut, Skating Around the Law this summer!

This is it, the one-stop shopping place for all the insider info that will get you published! It’s a simple, nine-step process that will take you a long way in the publishing world.

Ready?

What You Need To Get Published:

1. Patience;
2. A Thick Skin (to deal with the multitude of rejection letters you’re going to get);
3. Patience;
4. A Good Idea (a great one is better);
5. Patience;
6. Dedication (to improving your craft);
7. Patience;
8. Free Time (to pursue your new writing career);
and lastly,
9. Patience (or, as I like to think of it, Patience to the Fifth Power).

That’s it. Yes, having loads of talent will help you out, but you know what? If you have a thick enough skin to not be crushed by the rejections and the dedication to you improving your craft based on feedback you get from said rejections or readers, you can become a proficient writer.

Raw talent is nice, but raw talent will only take you so far. The genius writers of this world still need to have an idea that will convince editors the project will sell. They will be rejected. They will need to revise to meet market expectations, and they will need to find the time to do all of this.

If you look at the the Pillars of the Authorial World–your Stephen Kings, your J.K. Rowlings, even your Nicolas Sparks–you’ll notice a reoccurring theme. Yes, we look at them now and see ‘talent,’ but all you have to do is go back and read about how they got started. King is famous for the spike he impaled his rejections on. Rowling refused to give up. Criticism bounces off Sparks like a rubber ball.

The trick of this is that no matter what you’ve got–talent coming out the wazoo or a laser-like dedication to your goals–more than anything else, you have to be patient. Nothing in the publishing world happens quickly.

Agents can take up to a year to reply to your queries. I got a rejection 13 months after I sent off my stuff, after my agent had already signed me.

Your readers, whether they are your mother or your critique group, all have their own lives. They do not sit around the computer, waiting on pins and needles for you to email them stuff so they can read it. (No, not even your mother.)

Editors take months to get back to agents. And then, when you finally get that contract, you’ve got another 18 to 24 months before that book makes it to a shelf near you (less for e-publishing, but not by a whole lot).

Patience is the rose-colored glass through which a pre-published author needs to view the world. Patience is what you really, truly need to get published.

So there ya go. What You Need To Get Published, in nine, super-simple steps.

You’re welcome.